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Ermahgerd. Berks.

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Caliban's War
James S.A. Corey
The Shining Girls


Bossypants - Tina Fey Sure, you could read Bossypants. Provided you like all that self-deprecating "I'm Tina Fey and I am enormously successful and I am thankful for that, but at the same time I still struggle with being a working woman with a real life, because it is so weird that I am a media icon when I still really think of myself as an unpopular high school theater dweeb, and isn't life weird, like when I was seen as a major influence during the last election because I kind of look like Sarah Palin?" stuff.Personally, Tina Fey is a little too successful for me. I don't like it. I want to read about the life of someone else in order to feel better about my own life, not to make me wish I lived in New York and did something cool for a living.I'd rather read the autobiography of Liz Lemon. Tina Fey tries to pretend there's still a Liz Lemon inside of her, but there so totally isn't. Liz Lemon, however, will never write a biography, because 1) she doesn't exist and 2) there is no "life sadness" section at Barnes & Noble (unless you count Romance, amirite guys?).So instead, I've collected some of her wisdom here, touching on every aspect of life, as taken from the popular television series 30 Rock.Dating & Marriage[Man walks up to Liz at the bar]Gentleman: Excuse me, is this seat taken?Liz: Really, dude? I got to move my coat? There are like four empty seats over there! Can't you just be cool?[Man leaves]Jenna: That guy wanted to buy you a drink!Liz: Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?Liz: I'm going to tell Drew that I'm having a little welcome to the building party for him but there is no party and then when he shows up I'll laugh and say "oh it's the wrong night" and then he'll laugh and say one glass couldn't hurt and then I will put my mouth on his mouth! Liz: Just embrace the fact that you are lucky enough to be a happily married man. I mean, I'm actually jealous of you. You've got stability, a great marriage, devoted kids. You know what I have? A Sims family that keeps getting murdered.ReligionTracy: So what's your religion, Liz Lemon?Liz: I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to. BusinessJack: Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman.Liz: A businesswoman.Jack: I don't think that's a word.Jack: The world is made by those who control their own destiny. It isn't made by those who don't do, it's made by those who do do. Which is what made me the man I am, I do do.Liz: Yeah, you do.Jack: Grow up, Lemon. FinanceJack: So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401(k)?Liz: Yeah, I gotta get one of those.Jack: What?! Where do you invest your money, Lemon?Liz: I've got like twelve grand in checking.Jack: Are you an immigrant? Dealing with StressLiz: Hey, nerds! Who's got two thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi.Managing Your Personal LifeKenneth: Oh, Miss Lemon. You have several messages. Aw, let's see, that company running the bike tour in South Carolina says no singles. Uh, your credit card called they want to make sure you're the one buying cream soda in bulk.Liz: I sure am.Kenneth: And your landlord called and he says it's not the toilet, it's you.Liz: That's his opinion. Liz: I did Big Sister in college. That little girl taught me how to use tampons.DietingLiz: [Singing while eating cheese] Working on my night cheese. [knock at the door] Uhh, Jack! Do you know what time it is? I was sound asleep.Sexual PoliticsLiz: No, Jack. You were just talking about how you miss office hookups. That is a double standard.Jack: Calm down.Liz: I won't calm down. Women are allowed to get angrier than men about double standards. FeminismLiz: Maybe I'm a little old-fashioned. I'm sorry I'm a real woman and not some over-sexed New York nympho like those sluts on Everybody Loves Raymond.FashionLiz: For instance, Jack taught me not to wear tan slacks with a tan turtleneck. I thought it looked nice, but he, rightly, pointed out that it made me look like a giant condom.PoliticsLiz: If I can't poop in the street, why should my tax dollars pay for someone else to?