Readundant

Hey you kids, put down your DS and listen: back in my day, video games were hard. The graphics were bad and the controls didn't have none of that fancy analogue you have today. You'd die a million times and unless you had a Game Genie, there wasn't anything you could do about it. And there was no google, so you couldn't just download a walk through. The internet didn't even exist! What? Stop looking at me like that. No, I don't need to sit down. My heart is fine.Games were so hard, in fact, that we had to turn to rather indifferently written novelizations of them just to find out what happens, plot-wise, after that one part where you spend like 45 minutes climbing this big tower or mountain or something, screen after screen of flying ninjas popping out of nowhere and guys with bazookas who reappear every time you move forward a few steps and these FUCKING BIRDS that just KEEP SWOOPING, appearing ENDLESSLY and making it IMPOSSIBLE TO JUMP like WHAT is there an INFINITE SUPPLY of red HAWKS inhabiting this MAGICAL FREAKING TOWER or MOUNTAIN or WHATEVER this thing is and someone is up there just WHIPPING THEM at me, and they are forced to FLY AT MY FACE in SELF DEFENSE? And then you FINALLY got to the boss, who says "HAHAHA I AM MALTH!" and kills you instantly and you have to go ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE START? Because in my day we didn't have save points! Save points are for PUSSIES. THREE LIVES, NO CONTINUES. So then I read this book and found out the ending: his dad lives! Except once the internet was invented, I read this interview with the writer (who wasn't even named F.X. Nine, gosh), and it turns out he changed the ending of the book because he thought it was too depressing. Well, shit.After you finish this 140-page book with large print and two-page-long chapters, there is a list of recommended reading. If you liked Worlds of Power: Ninja Gaiden, you might also like The Count of Monte Cristo, which in the Penguin edition I am currently reading, includes more words on the average two-page spread than are in the entirety of Ninja Gaiden, even if you take out all the instances of someone making an expression "impossible to describe." But by all means, I'm sure if you liked Worlds of Power: Bases Loaded II - Second Season you'll enjoy Lady Chatterley's Lover.The best part was how every chapter ended with a game hint, but first you had to crack the incredibly complicated code of turning the book upside down, which you would do, trembling and nearly dropping the thing in your fumbling excitement, finally you would learn the secret of avoiding those STUPID BIRDS and... what? "Use the shuriken and move away when he gets close"? That's IT? WHAT THE FUCK? My dog gives better Nintendo tips than you, BOOK. And then you would later get grounded and have your allowance taken away because you called those smug Game Counselor bastards at Nintendo Power and EVEN THEN you couldn't beat stupid Malth. So you read the book again.